5 August 2020
The Context
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
Carl Jung
A few years ago, I was introduced to the self-development scene.
This culture consisted of growth minded individuals determined to improve themselves and have significant impact on the world and those around them.
Driven by my insecurities, I began devouring books, podcasts, videos and the like – these added layers to my character, and served as a means of protecting myself from confronting the reality of participation in these.
Through this process, it became evident to me that there were different sub-cultures of the self-development sphere.
Of these sub-cultures, it appeared that the most outspoken of these individuals, paradoxically seemed to be the most selfish, constantly self-promoting themselves and their personal journeys on their Instagram feeds rather than provide true value.
These are the self-aware narcissists.
These individuals ironically experience a cessation in self-development and growth due to shortcomings in three key areas: Ego, Change and Contribution.
Below, I have expanded on these in greater detail. This may be used to incite reflection and growth within ourselves, provide us with the means of identifying our own blind spots, or serve as an intervention or redirection.
I: Ego
One may invent a false, finally unjustified image of oneself as an exceptional phenomenon in the world, not guilty as others are, but justified in one’s inevitable sinning because one represents good. Such self-righteousness leads to a misunderstanding, not only of oneself but of the nature of both man and the cosmos.
Joseph Campbell
Ego, in accordance with the definition provided by Ryan Holiday in Ego is the Enemy, is “an unhealthy belief in your own importance. Arrogance. Self-centred ambition.”
Put simply, Ego is an unwholesome sense of identity.
History is littered with figures who have either succumbed to Ego’s unrelenting desire, or those who have transcended it.
The self-aware narcissist, falls into the former.
The ancient Greeks had a word for Ego: hubris – it was the highest insult one could deal to the Gods and represented an abominable pride, an inflated sense of importance, a self-aggrandisement to the status of divinity.
Naturally those who exhibited these qualities were exterminated by those same forces they claimed to be equal with, and order was restored to the cosmos. However, in modern times, Ego runs rampart, and rather than be discouraged and combatted, it is sometimes celebrated and even rewarded.
To become self-aware is to form a detachment and objectivity around oneself, giving one the ability to sit back, observe and become aware of one’s inclinations. This initiation involves coming into direct conflict with Ego.
Ego likes attachment, labelling and identifying; and comparison is a cornerstone of how Ego conceptualises their place in the world. But when one becomes aware of this, one slowly begins to peel back the layers of perception and de-mystify the fog that Ego generates looking at the world through this lens.
Within the self-development sphere, the battle against Ego has begun and while some experience clarity in dismantling Ego, others end up doing exactly the opposite.
The self-aware narcissist has begun their Journey within, but instead of creating distance from Ego, one fuels and reinforces this unwholesome identity; one which separates them from “the lesser developed and self-aware”, becoming convinced of their own grandiosity.
Ego stunts the development of the self-aware narcissist and it is not the prized degree of self-awareness that has been gained.
It is self-obsession.
II: Change
You can’t learn if you think you already know.
Epictetus
Change is the catalyst for growth and development, both of which the self-aware narcissist is lacking.
Just as Ego convinces the self-aware narcissist of their superiority, it also convinces the self-aware narcissist that there is no requirement to change. The self-aware narcissist believes they are perfect the way they are.
When one comes to the realisation that the work they are producing is sub-par; experiences countless rejections as a result of being underqualified; or criticised for a lack of effort; the process of change is off-set.
Rejection, dissatisfaction and trigger points are all examples of external means of feedback necessary to fuel the desire to change.
Yet it is up to the individual to pull the trigger – to choose to change.
The self-aware narcissist never pulls the trigger. It is far too humbling a realisation to admit their deficiencies, and shouldering the responsibility to change is to succumb to this admission.
The self-aware narcissist convinces themselves that it is not their problem to facilitate their authentic voice, and the self-development culture feeds this misinformation consistently to them. All one has to do is “believe” and your dream self-will manifest itself before ones’ eyes. This is a damaging belief for as the downstream effects of this are incompetence, fragility and a misdirected understanding of the world.
Change occurs through an understanding of the process; of doing the work.
There is an over-importance placed on the outcome, the authentic voice, yet there is little emphasises placed on the process.
However, one cannot embrace the outcome if one is yet to embrace the process – one does not change otherwise.
Real change is doing the work.
Real change is taking responsibility.
Real change is hard.
And the self-aware narcissist would rather use Instagram, than actually embrace it.
#selfawarenarcassist.
III: Contribution
A human being is formed by nature to benefit others, and, when he has performed some benevolent action or accomplished anything else that contributes to the common good, he has done what he was constituted for, and has what is properly his.
Marcus Aurelius
At what point does the search for self-awareness inhibit one’s ability to make meaningful contributions?
In Ego, we explored first how one, instead of dismantling attachment to an identity, reinforces it; in Change we came to understand how this identity directly antagonises one’s desire to grow, and in Contribution, we tackle the above question.
One’s contribution to the world is directly tied with Purpose. To pursue something outside of oneself; something far grander and beyond the individualistic scope; to explore the realm beyond oneself and provide the fruits of this journey to others, is Purpose.
The artist’s purpose is to inspire millions through their art.
The chef’s purpose is to provide delicious cuisine for his customer’s to devour.
Even the individual athlete’s purpose is to constantly push themselves beyond their current capabilities; beyond themselves.
The self-aware narcissist operates exclusively within the confines of their identity, within the shackles of Ego. Therefore, the self-aware narcissist has no regards to contribute and add value to others, only to expressing the authentic voice.
The self-development culture encourages this, with an infatuation with “I” and “me”, at the expense of “others” and “them”.
The commonality amongst self-aware narcissists is they are incredibly intimate with themselves, yet this lifestyle magnified facilitates the belief that one is the centre of the universe.
One may be led to believe that the answer to one’s problems lies in the ability to self-reflect rather than engage with others through contribution – apart from a vlog documenting their most recent vision quest.
Offering oneself in service to others is to transcend Ego, engage with Change in the present, and provide meaningful Contribution.
The self-aware narcissist doesn’t think about how to serve others. They only think about themselves.
The self-aware become the self-serving.
The Conclusion
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
Extract from: The Man in the Glass by Dale Wimbrow
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass
Each of us are engaged with a different stage in the Hero’s Journey.
Some of us are waiting for The Call to Adventure. Others are on The Road of Trails, or on the cusp of Crossing the Return Threshold.
The self-aware narcissist is on this Journey too – momentarily they may have lost their way and become engrossed within themselves, despite perhaps, having a valuable message to share with the rest of the world.
In hindsight, I realise, I have trodden the same path as the self-aware narcissist – perhaps this piece was more of an internal critique and reflection rather than an external assessment.
But at this stage of the Journey, it is important to establish clarity so that a clear distinction may be made between those on the front line and those who have chosen to rest in the comfort that Ego provides.
Because when we only talk about self-development – promote it over our feeds, read countless books and articles and merely engage with the content as I did – we are operating within the safety net provided by Ego.
Only by doing the work does the Hero at this stage of the Journey break this cycle, changing in the process; and returning with the Boon from their travels, offering this as contribution to the world.
Less talk, more action.
The self-aware narcissist or the active doer.
The choice is yours.
CHANGE IS THE POINT 