I’ve thought a lot about this question. Such is my inclination. I have often been told that I overthink. And to a degree, I do, although I am surrounded by those who under think and I have learned to become less concerned with their opinions. Alas, after many hours of deliberation, I have arrived at this, attempting to get out of my own way to answer this truthfully…
***
The rock I am perched on is jagged and course. It is uncomfortable and awkward. It is unlike the chairs I have all too commonly taken for granted, shaped with intention, to mirror the human form. The rock however, has no regard for my delicate posture. I must respect this.
The rock overlooks a valley. It reminds me of a fishbowl with the trees and the dirt and the mountains engulfing me. I am completely alone. I know there are other questers somewhere in the valley below, but we have had no contact for over 72 hours.
I am fasted; food affects clarity, or so I am told. I have only rations of water to sustain me. This is by choice. I have embarked on this quest to figure out what I should do. Or perhaps, that some divine impulse would guide me to it.
I look up to the clouds beginning to form. They are ominous shades of grey. They threaten to implode violently just as they had done the night prior. It was a harrowing experience; the rain, the thunder, and the lightning thrashed the landscape unrelentingly; with only a thin blue tarp separating me from the chaos. Alas, my cries for help rang out unheard, lost amidst an indifferent deluge. I had not anticipated my search for answers would take me to these depths.
I adjust my seating position against the rock, needing to do so every few minutes so that it remains bearable. The clouds overhead finally break apart and rain splashes against my bear skin; completely alone, clothes are optional. After a week in the Wilderness, the rain is a welcome shower.
Peering upward, I begin to plead for the umpteenth time. It is the same prayer I have offered before: “Help me. Please… Guide me. Show me. Tell me what I need to do”.
Suddenly, something shatters within me. It comes cascading down my cheeks in a myriad of sobs. If this is my answer, it arrives in an unexpected and cryptic fashion.
Words appear on my lips: “I don’t know”, I mumble. These are meek and indecisive; the sort of vocabulary I have staved off my whole life. And yet, sitting on a lone rock in the middle of the Wilderness, they are more true than anything I have ever said.
“I don’t know”, I begin to chorus again, as the words take on an energy and power of their own. I’m screaming it now, with no-one but the trees and the dirt and the mountains to heed witness. This episode continues for some time. It is cathartic and I feel lighter and resolute. It concludes with a statement: “I am”, and for the first time, this feels enough.
***
This experience was powerful for many reasons; least of which were some of these profound insights. Prior to embarking, I had expectations that all would be made clear; everything answered; and that my life path would appear before me.
But I did not receive what I expected. Only so much more… I had come searching for what to do, and instead, I had come away with a richer understanding of who I was.
***
The question itself: “Who you need to become in order to do what you want to do?” is perplexing. I have sat for many hours at my laptop attempting to find the words to articulate my response appropriately. Thus far, it has been futile. Perhaps in sharing the above account, the answer may become apparent.
“What do I want to do?”. Some years ago, it become brutally evident to me, that this was the wrong question. What I do is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter. But “Who am I?” & “Who do I need to become?”… These are better questions.
The cursor on my laptop screen blinks, waiting expectantly for my feedback. I fail to find words. “I don’t know?”. Perhaps this is most fitting? That the person I need to become is someone who is comfortable not knowing? It has been before. Ultimately what I do is an extension of who I am. And uncovering that is a lifelong(s?) process.
As coaches, we identify as problem solvers; self-assessment analysts even. We may pride ourselves on our ability to recognise our own bullshit. We practice with self-knowledge as the intent. We are curious. Truth seekers. And maybe this is all a facade. We package and sell our coaching as a service. But in truth, we are trying to figure out who we are.
This process represents an opportunity to do that. As does every potential client I am interested in working with. As does the Vision Quest of the account above.
The person I need to become is who I am – curious – as that is the way we may find, or loose ourselves. It is this search for self that sustains me; inspires me. It is why I do what I do. And why I will continue to do so.
CHANGE IS THE POINT 