Four days after my arrival in Salt Lake City, and with things not going the way I thought they would, I took the time to write a letter to Michael; to help clarify to him – but perhaps more accurately, myself – what I wanted to learn. At the time I think this was a way to hopefully instil some urgency and get the ball rolling on the proceedings of The Apprenticeship.
As I read it back now I find that some of it still resonates. However, there are passages that also scream ignorance. In sharing this I hope that it helps to illustrate the process of learning undergone throughout The Apprenticeship and everyday since. For much has changed since the 20th of July 2023. As I hoped it should.
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Prior to arriving here, I had submitted an essay in response to this question. Not having any experience or understanding of The Space, I provided, what I believed at the time, to be an honest account.
I still have very little idea as to exactly what nonprophet is or does. I have come to learn however, that this is by design. It seems you are driven by curiosity – albeit, for selfish purposes – and this allows responsiveness, evolution and adaptation. Not knowing allows you to continue to explore. This compels me.
The first four days have been difficult. At risk of offending you, my unfiltered encapsulation is that nonporphet seems in a state of chaos. Without wanting to step on any toes, I have tried where possible to bring some order. I have wanted at times to be more busy and have something to do, be it a book to study, a shipment to post or a storeroom to clean. I also recognise that I am inpatient and insecure. And most likely these feelings are manifestations of such.
Alas, this is not an essay on what my thoughts are about nonprophet (perhaps these may become relevant as time goes on). My expectations have been dramatically challenged, for the experience thus far has been totally different to what I had imagined. This is neither negative nor positive.
The fault in this case is probably mine. During our original conversations you had posed questions geared towards my expectations. I had responded: I have very few, as long as I get to be in and around The Space. How can you provide something you didn’t realise I wanted? But how can I ask for something I didn’t realise I needed?
The belief, the trust and the faith I have in nonprophet (and more specifically you) is wholehearted; that you are able to sense what I need and who I want to be, then guide me in that direction. The only prerequisite is that I am honest with you about where I am at present. Hopefully I have done so, and you have been steering all along.
I have an immense amount of respect for you. One may even go as far to say that I idolise you. Listening to the podcast, reflecting on the essays and practicing the training manuals have been tethers of belief in a world full of – as you put it – bad incentives. I hope I have respected your time and space this far. This has been my intent from the start.
A question that persistently nags on my conscience is why me? Why was I selected to apprentice under Michael fucking Blevins and nonprophet? Was it purely because it was convenient? The selection process minimal? Was I the only one that applied? Perhaps these questions are answered in time for I am curious to know.
Over the last four days, our “informal conversations” have been the most valuable and insightful. Everything from psychedelics and past lives; exercise selection and relationships. The idea of transferability has been a consistent theme and I want to explore this further…
Your monologues on self-exploration are captivating. I recognise that I want this too. I want to travel outer space deep within an ayahuasca ceremony, drum to the applause of my ancestors and receive body work from spiritual empaths. Specifically, I want to learn how to transfer these experiences and use them to guide others, orienting them in a similar direction (as I believe you do).
I want to understand how to direct my attention (or, in-tension) towards what matters (self-knowledge and life experience). I then want to learn how to do the same for others.
Broadly speaking (myself included), people are miserable at this. We are pulled in so many different directions and utterly disconnected from our selves, to the point where a simple question – what do I want? – is paralysing and becomes almost impossible to answer.
As you have eloquently deduced, fitness (the body and physical effort) becomes the vessel to reconnect with oneself. Herein, the investigation commences. Teachers and coaches guide people back towards what matters; to what is “better”; to Nature, reality, truth.
We have discussed resources – money – or more broadly, energy. You describe it as the medium which allows for exploration. I have traditionally struggled in this area, my silo near empty. I have reservations around asking for money and valuing what it is that I do (and by default, who I am).
I hypothesise that in accumulating deep life and spiritual experiences, these problems eventually dissipate. This has not been the case. Therefore, I want to learn how to better acquire and manage resources, so that I may engage the activities that are meaningful. (I mean, Teslas are cool but I don’t need to own one. I do however, want to live with the freedom and abundance that driving one symbolises – at least to me anyway).
Loss has shaped my relationship with money. It was a few years ago that my cousin, whom I was very close with made the decision to end his life. He hung himself on the back porch, a housemate discovering his lifeless form in the morning.
On November the 3rd, 2019, I was 3 weeks away from completing an education degree amidst my final teaching internship. My trajectory involved obtaining a university degree, then falling into that line of work.
Instantly, the tragedy catalysed a re-shuffling of priorities. Safety, material wealth and superficiality ceased to matter. My cousin was dead. I was going to live fully in his honour. Yesterday would have been his 28th birthday.
I finished my degree, moved from Sydney to Melbourne and pursued coaching as a full time vocation. I have done so in various capacities since. Life continued to happen and I continued to participate, seemingly having processed this and moved on.
It wasn’t until a few months ago that I recognised symptoms of trauma. In grim financial circumstances I still refused to teach. I got a low paying job as an event labourer instead. Inversely, this seemed the easier choice.
Every time I was questioned, or thought about returning to a classroom, my anxiety heightened, I got defensive, and then withdrawn. Subconsciously, I have associated teaching with the passing of Dane. And to an extent, have associated money (acquired through un-integral means) with it also.
Psychedelics interest me. Not necessarily as a way to heal trauma but to live, and experience more fully. To love more freely. I don’t know if this comes under the category of what I want to learn, although I do recognise these as tools that may help.
I have recently concluded that I will operate in my own capacity; either as a sole trader (and seperate business) in a gym or within the four walls of my own. I have enough evidence and experience to know this is now possible. As for how this looks, feels and runs, I am ignorant. I want to learn how to operate my own business in a way that allows me to continue to explore my primary intent (self-knowledge, life experience).
On weekends, I want to fuck off and go hiking. Not because I am lazy and don’t won’t to work Saturday, but because I know this enhances my experience of life and Self. In being selfish (as you have modelled), I have learned that one is actually being selfless. They become a more valuable well of knowledge to those under their care.
Furthermore, I want to learn how to pursue and publish my creative outlets. I admire the nonporphet system of having ones hand in many buckets and I think this speaks to your success. The zines and manuals are beautiful pieces of art. Producing works of similar quality is of interest to me. I know my ideas (or intellectual property) are worth sharing and spreading. I have been working on a collection of essays for sometime now, but I am far too scared to believe they will ever amount to anything. Fuck that.
That all being said… How do I direct my attention to what matters? Because I have no fucking idea. This is what I want to learn.
Serge Houhlias
20th July, 2023
CHANGE IS THE POINT 