I can be a condescending dick sometimes. It’s my default setting in an argument. Call it the curse of the intellectual; of thinking that because some would consider me a “deep thinker”, a “smart dude” that I know more than the rest who seem perfectly content in their blithering ignorance. There I go again. I am not proud of it.
I learned why learning to control my state was in my best interest from being on the other end of the ignorant – intellectual spectrum. When I was in fact not the deepest thinker in the room, nor the smartest, but perilously close to the bottom; a simple child amidst a room of adults
My first reaction to this predicament was – of course – to blame someone else; I believed the leader in the space to be a world class asshole, and all those within to be enablers. This tends to be the case when faced with our own ignorance. It’s easier to delude ourselves that “they” – the other – has the problem, rather than to recognise and accept that most likely it’s probably us.
We are completely ruled by our emotions and it only takes someone to cut us off in traffic to demonstrate this. Our reaction is predictable, automatic and inevitable. It occurs without a conscious intermission; a seamless projection of anger and frustration. Once you understand other people’s triggers, it becomes a matter of pulling the right lever to elicit a specific response. You could probably test this yourself, provoking a response for fun until you realise what a manipulative sociopath you are perilously close to becoming.
Schools are great places to observe this, like zoos for human behaviour; a pre-teen social experiment. As are traffic hames, shopping malls and airports; any setting that has the potential to be stressful or overwhelming. An unfortunate majority of kids are jacked up on a disastrous diet of sugar and Tik Tok. Generally, they are overstimulated and under slept. These are awful conditions for one trying to control their state, understand their emotions and manager their reactions. Physiologically, sugar creates a spike and crash effect; a blood sugar rollercoaster, and the psychology mirrors this. While a brain that has been conditioned to receive information in 35 second graphic snippets makes learning anything that requires patience and consistency near impossible. As a high school teacher, I see this daily.
It’d be easy to paint this picture of the kids as underdeveloped and we – the adults – of having it all together. But it wouldn’t be true. Because most of us are still very much emotionally immature.
The best case I can make for this comes from my own experience… Many will relate to the fact that our intimate partners seem to posses an arsenal of weapons capable of exploiting our deepest insecurities, our most intense vulnerabilities. They know our triggers and traumas and these eventually show up in our relationships. My wife gets me all the time, although not intentionally. She just happens to hold the cleanest mirror up to my own weaknesses, shortcomings and inadequacies; the parts of me that I am not quite comfortable with. I could blame her for this, but that would be me once again deluding myself. It’s actually my fault.
It might take us jabbing at each other for hours for either of us to realise this. We’re getting better at it though; of not resenting the other person but realising we’re both projecting some unmet emotional need; and ultimately loosing our ability to stay calm and measured and patient, and unable to control our state. Mostly, I don’t realise this at the time. Because the best solution would be to avoid the confrontation all together; to state plainly from the outset the feeling or thought I need to express. But generally, more times than not, the conflict is the catalyst for this self-awareness. The better I get at learning this, the better I get at learning to control my state. And perhaps even, learning to be less of a condescending dick.
I think much better than being the “smart dude”, is the “chill” one, described as patient or calm. Intuitively, there is an attraction to these types of people as they seem to be completely at home and at peace within themselves. Subconsciously, it seems that what emanates from this person is the ability to deal with difficult effectively, remaining stoic, consistent and reliable, and we trust them because of this. Someone who can control themselves can – it seems – also control their environment.
I’m practicing trying to be calm and patient, particularly in a classroom surrounded by 20 rambunctious adolescence. It’s almost the perfect training ground. But I think I’m realising, a large part of this broader learning to control my state is simply just growing up, maturing and actually learning to be an adult; as someone responsible for their reactions and aware of their choices.
Maybe a good place to start for the rest of us is to stop blaming someone else for making you feel shitty, or upset, or angry, or frustrated, or anything – are you really going to let the guy in the BMW who just cut you off ruin your day? He’s probably late for a meeting, or compensating for a small penis, or feels the need to constantly prove himself because deep down he feels unlovable. No – it’s probably you; probably your fault. And it’s probably your fault because you can’t control your state and you’ve allowed another person’s behaviour to dictate yours.
There are a lot of emotionally immature people; at the same level as the kids I’m supposed to be teaching something to. Some of us are also probably eating crappy food, spending too much time on social media, consuming far too much coffee and not getting enough sleep. Maybe if we weren’t doing these things, we’d have a greater tolerance to stress or any minor indiscretion that threatens to tip us off our tiny little axis of equanimity. Maybe we start here. And eventually, over time, we begin to mature and grow up; to create space between events, emotions and reactions; learning to be calm and patient despite the chaos around us; and maybe, just maybe, learn to control our state. And stop being such a condescending dick.
CHANGE IS THE POINT 